Grief work

Hello, lovely people, and welcome back ❈ 

This is not a topic society usually likes to discuss, as it can be very sensitive, but it is something that every human has in common ~ we all eventually die. Death has the ability to touch every nook and cranny of our emotional selves. Even bringing into question our own mortality. If you research grief, you will see that there are stages that can be cycled through in no particular order, and you may revisit certain stages multiple times and often. 

But what about those who die, who didn’t participate in your life in a healthy way, the ones who created dysfunction and unease? What if you are estranged or if the person was toxic? How does grief unfold then? Well, it is the same, right? You may still journey through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Yet your journey may also be coloured by other emotions, the ones you thought you had previously resolved, long since buried, or maybe even avoided altogether…

Grief is messy at the best of times, but throw in family dysfunction and or estrangement, and it may feel icky, fake, unsafe, all-consuming or even like a chapter is closing without any resolution. Sorting through your feelings, being kind to yourself as you travel through this part of your life and letting go of that that doesn’t serve you, will help. Letting go is often a big concept to get your head around, and also in the action of doing so. You can’t change how people act or what they say, you literally have no control over how others act. The only thing you have control over ‘is how you react’ and how you show up for yourself and those around you. We learn how to interact with our world by the time we are two years old. Think about that, think about how you were raised and by whom. You learnt how to be (or maybe not be) from them. Maybe through patterns and conditioning, it might be really hard for you not to get sucked into family drama. But you have a choice, you always have choices, people. If certain patterns or habits don’t serve who you want to be, then start taking small steps to change your behaviour and alter the things within your control.

There is no right way to grieve, there is no hard and fast rule. However, a good place to start is to work through those initial emotions, the ones that come up first. Talking to someone can help you navigate this, or if talking is not your thing, then do what you know will work for you (exercise, journaling, spending time with those you love, get out into nature, go swimming, listen to music, volunteer, etc) or maybe experiment with some of the options mentioned. If you are feeling a bit stuck, think about what has worked in the past for you when things have been tough. It is really important to express your emotions attached to the loss, in some way, shape or form, because pushing them away and avoiding them will not work in the long run. Essentially, what that can do is create an onion effect with every new trauma, working to create an additional unresolved emotional layer. Trauma-informed therapy works not by visiting all the details of the trauma, but more through looking at how what has happened has impacted your emotional well-being. Working through the loss of someone takes time. It is not always straightforward, especially if the relationship was strained or toxic. Sure, you don’t have to see that person anymore, but it is important to work through their impact on you – because you’re worth it! 

❈ Thanks for joining me! Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the rest of your day ❈